My Thoughts

I am thinking…

You say you have a thing for me, you are” in love with me”, then turn around and tell me you are a virgin and you are desperate to change your situation and you have been dreaming about doing it with someone like me. WTF… nigga please I have 1001 reasons why that is insulting. And because of that I see that I don’t mean anything to you except the use of what I have between my legs. Men!!! Where do you lose the plot? We like being treated with respect.

 Maybe just maybe if you had asked me out on a date I might have said yes…

My Thoughts

I am thinking…

Today  I finally did it. I finally got my butterfly. I am pretty happy about it. And it’s beautiful if I can say so myself, and it would not have come about at the right moment. It symbolizes my metamorphism from a lot of things. The new me, what I am going through and what I hope to achieve. It will serve as a reminder that I can overcome anything life throws as me. I have survived heartbreak, I have conquered my fear of needles, I am changing careers, and I am going back to school. Biggest of all I am smiling again. And the smile is coming from deep within. It still hurts but that is the healing process and now I can move on to the next chapter. I still believe in love.

“Cause I am not a word, I am not a line, I am not a gal that can ever be defined”

My Thoughts

I am thinking…

A day later and the pain have not lessened yet. Instead it’s getting worse. A mention of his name, a song about love, a song about heartbreak, his picture, a gesture, the thought of him is enough to trigger a flood of tears. I cannot bear not talking to him. I am so used to talking to him all the time, anywhere, now my finger hovers on my keypad coz I do not know if it is appropriate to call him or text him.  Again a flood of tears fills my eyes because I feel so helpless. I miss him so much. I hurt; I cannot breath, I cannot eat. Does he know how much pain I am in? I do not think so because I put on a brave face for him. I tell him not to worry about me, that I’m fine. The truth of the matter is I am not. I need to be the one he comes back to when he comes back home. I need to be the one who meets him at the airport when he flies back home, I need to be the one he sends the silly sweet messages, the one he fights with, the one he makes up with. The one he gives little kisses all over, the one he makes sweet love to, the one he falls asleep holding and the one he wakes up next to in the morning. I need to be the one for him.

But it’s too late. He moved on and I was so caught up in my wanting him not to see it. It’s sad...

My thoughts

I am thinking…

How it hurts when you find out you are  a lemon and not a banana. When you thought you are the love of someone’s life only to find you are mere entertainment. It hurts real badly. It seems that is my curse to love and never be loved. Why? That’s the unanswered question I carry with me. So now i start the farewell process. Do I regret it…yes I thought for once I had something real, something worth keeping. I do not keep what’s not mine, so it’s time to say good bye. We had our fun moments those I won’t regret. I will treasure them as experience for next time….

My Thoughts...

I am thinking…

Ever had a smile break on your face and you have no idea where it’s coming from? You are sitting there and all of a sudden you feel you are smiling, everything just seem so clear and ok. You mind is clear and for that little moment in life you are taken to a place where there are no worries and problems. Makes you want to get lost in that world and never come back. And then it’s over you are back. You are aware of all the things around you, and that smile is gone, until the day the smile comes back again.

My Thoughts...

I am thinking…

I am in love. My heart is skipping beats every time I think of you; I have a permanent smile on my face which instantly turns into a grin at the mere mention of your name. I feel safe when you embrace me, I like the feel of your skin and I can’t help not touching you. You kissed me today, our first kiss; I am still having little electric shocks just by thinking about it. It was perfect. Just as I imagined it would be, the perfect kiss. I felt so lonely when you left, I already miss you and five days already seem like a long time away. I know I am not supposed to wear my heart on my sleeve but with you I’ll gladly wear it on both sleeves. I am willing to make a fool for love and I am not scared anymore. I am willing to try. I call you DJ. I am falling in love again and I love it.

My Thoughts...

I am thinking…

Chivalry is dead. What happened to the days when men where gentleman and women where ladies? What happened to men opening the door for your women or pulling out her chair? What happened to women putting a note in your man’s lunchbox or his jacket telling him he is loved? The little note that would make him smile in the middle of a tedious meeting coz he knew his woman is waiting back home? What happened to holding hands when you take a stroll in the park, gazing lovingly in your partner’s eyes and they read that they are safe and they have everything they ever need with you? What happened to a kiss on the forehead to reassure us that you are there for us?

What happened to dancing in the moonlight with Gerald Levert playing in the background? What happened to romance? What happened to love?

My Thoughts...

I am thinking…

I saw true love between two people. There have no mansion to come to, no fancy car to ride in, no money to spend on trips around the world or shopping in the most high end shops. But they have is a love for each other. An understanding between the two of them that makes them so in sync with one another. In their little house with no tap water or electricity, with their four young children I have never seen such happiness. And what I appreciated out of all that was their warmth, generosity and genuineness. And I even got sound advice. Me with my fancy job and all the comforts I was humbled and began to appreciate love in a different light.

My Thoughts...

I am thinking…

You are the one that got away…Katy Perry’s song comes to mind…no I am actually listening to it, dedicating it to you, to us, wishing I did not have to say you are the one that got away. I saw you yesterday and we spoke after almost a year, it was painful coz at that moment I saw clearly what I had lost, what I had let go. In my fickle mind I thought I no longer wanted you, but my heart still needs you. It hurts I can never have you coz I know I hurt you and I’m sorry.  I no longer have the right to tell you that I love you, but I do love you.  I forgot to say it, but I never forget to feel it. It’s a love I’ll always carry with me. It’s to remind me about ‘The one that got away’.

My thoughts...

I am thinking…

Is it so hard for a man to come up and say gal I like you, can we hang? Do we seem like scary she-devils with a fiery pitch fork? Why go around in circles trying to find out if I’ll commit to you, if I’m in it for the long haul…WTF? Long haul of what I have not heard the question? How can I commit to a question I haven’t been asked. Men a girl just loves a traditional straight forward questions like the ones I got asked in grade school, ”Pamela I like you, can you be my girl” that was the sweetest any man has ever said to me.. Now that they are grown up they have forgotten the sweet ways.

My Thoughts...

I am thinking…

I’m looking forward to meeting you later in the evening. I get home I put on some music, I am in the mood for some loving, I run a bath, you say you will be in town in the next hour. I have all the time to get ready. I spray my favorite scent, paint my toes. I have waxed and trimmed all the places that need to be taken care of. I am ready. I get a message, you are now in town, you ask where I am at, and I tell you I am home. I can’t wait, this is it. I have been waiting for this for quite a while now and today all I could think of was this time we were to have together… then the bombshell drops….’see you tomorrow then’….WTF? What has just happened? Can someone tell me what’s going on? The perfect evening goes puff right in front of me and I don’t even know what happened... Yep that’s your typical male species. Dates are canceled without notice or reason and you are left all high and dry. Yet you always complain that I don’t make time for you. And when I make the initiative you drop me like a hot potato. I am still reeling from laughter and to some extent disappointment because yes I had made all these preparations just for you. And what I need to know is what spooked you?

My thoughts...

I am thinking…

 Chocolate….

And what better way than indulge in a chocolate fondue. Take out the fondue pot

Ingredients

6 ounce(s) semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped

 1/4 cup(s) half-and-half or light cream

1 tablespoon(s) flavored liqueur such as cherry, orange, coffee, or raspberry, optional

 1/2 teaspoon(s) vanilla extract

 Fruit such as whole strawberries or chunks of banana, pineapple, or pear

 1/2 cup(s) almonds, toasted and finely chopped (optional)

Directions

1.In heavy 1-quart saucepan or fondue pot, melt chocolate with half-and-half over low heat until mixture is smooth, stirring frequently. Stir in liqueur and vanilla; keep sauce warm.

2.To serve, arrange fruit on large platter. Spoon fondue into small bowl if you like. Place nuts in another small bowl. With toothpick, dip fruit into fondue, then into almonds if you like.

My thoughts...

I am thinking…..

I guess I always pictured it differently or I am still wearing rose tinted sunglasses, but I always thought that the day some handsome well accomplished man is going to propose to me will be earth shattering mind blowing whirlwind romance kind of proposal…lol. Yes in my mind I picture I see a fairy tale I see bended knees serenades in the back ground diamond ring and a proposal that gives an awwww moment. Then I stop and think does it happen like that? Do people still do that or does romance and fantasy still exist? How do one get the courage to take that first step and say yes this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and yes I am willing to make a fool over myself and still get this man/woman of my dreams? It’s still is a mystery to me one I need to find a revelation to soon because I need to also make a fool of myself for some one too.

love ME...